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This topic contains 10 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by  John P 7 months, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #431787

    John P
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    This year’s pantomime is called HMS United Kingdom. It is the story of a ship that sails on a journey of disaster.

    HMS United Kindom is the biggest ship on the ocean. She is about to depart Southampton with a full compliment of guests and a crew of 638 politicians, none of whom are qualified in anything. She is powered by four massive dual fuel engines which can run on lies or bullsh*t so their range is infinite. Captain cameron has set the course and speed and the ship slowly leaves on it’s journey.

    “Where is the captain” someone shouts.” He’s behind you” comes the reply and yes, there is the Captain of the ship stood on the dock waving goodbye. Having made a massive miscalculation, he has decided rather than help sort HIS mess out he will run away. So who can we have as a captain, no one wants to sort out someone else’s mess but wait, we have on board the most incompetent home secretary in living memory! Ideal, she will take it if you let her have an election and lose her majority, that is decided then!

    So the ship sails on, her engines all have names, One is called Police, one is called NHS, one is called Social services and the other is called universal credit. None of them is running correctly, not because there is a lack of fuel but no one is qualified to maintain them and they are all starved of fuel. The ship ziz-zags as the crew disagree on whether the right or the left is the correct course.

    Up in the crows nest are two look outs, slimeball gove and boris the clown. One is shouting lies at anyone who will listen, whilst looking for an opportune moment to stab his compatriate in the back and the other has a telescope looking for icebergs but no-one has explained to him how to remove the lens cap.

    Yes you’ve guessed it! there is a massive iceburg on the horizon called brexit. Evetually gove spots it and shouts out but given his record no one believes him and HMS United Kingdom sails towards certain disaster. Finally after someone draws her a picture Captain may decides she has two options, to hit the iceberg dead on or steer to the left and take a glancing blow. Both options are a disaster but the second one will take longer to have effect.

    There is of course a third option. Reverse the engines and avoid disaster but remember, no one on the ship knows how to do that.

    All the lifeboats on the ship are named after things that made the UK great. Shipbuilding, Mining, Railways, Car industry, British Telecom, British Gas, Electricity board, British steel. But wait, most of them are missing, sold by former captain thatcher. We are all doomed!

    Join us after the interval(about four months) to see what who survives…………………………………… :mail:

     

     

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    #431798

    Fruitcake
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    And here’s a poem that Captain May wrote when trying to figure out how to jump ship without drowning

    I didn’t want out, it didn’t seem right

    Suddenly I’m in charge and having to fight

    The future of the country is now in my hand

    I have to make a deal so I make a stand

    For two years I plotted, chatted and more

    I have now found a deal and bring it to the fore

    My colleagues won’t like it so they’ll ask me to go

    Then a 2nd ask of the nation will happen I know

    So they will all vote and they will decide

    And when it’s all done and dusted I’ll go off and hide

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    #431799

    itralS
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    Brilliant JP  :good:

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    #431914

    Michael
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    My God , what a load of pious claptrap is written on this site by people who believe they’re economists, soothsayers and crystal ball gazers all rolled into one. Thankfully, it looks as if a ‘No Deal’ is on the cards and the UK can once again be rightly called ‘Great Britain’. March 29th can’t come quick enough. :yahoo:   :yahoo:   :yahoo:   :good:   :good:   :good:

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    #431920

    Fruitcake
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    Well I certainly aint none of those Michael that’s for sure! I wouldn’t want to be a soothsayer or crystal ball gazer, I’d sooner sort life out as it comes to me personally! Pious? I guess I am religious to a degree but certainly not devoutly so.

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    #431921

    Roger Wood
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    Michael, can you let us all know when Britain was last seen as being Great, as I can’t recall it ever feeling like that?

    There will never be a No Deal by the way…..

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    #431938

    Bob
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    Nurse

    Michael has missed his medication again

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    #431969

    John P
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    Definate sense of humour failure here sometimes :scratch:

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    #432078

    Anonymous
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    Also Michael Please explain why you live in a very Pro European Country,

    I like some others would like to know when Britain was great,

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    #432149

    Bob
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    Britain was great in the 1950s, we invented loads of stuff and led the world in technology. Then the politicians got their hands on it with accurate predictions like there wasn’t much of a future in computing as Britain would probably only need three of them. Then they interfered with the design of the TSR2 until it became impossible to make it do all they wanted and we scrapped it and bought something off the Yanks instead. Then came blessed Margaret and we flogged off all our industries and stopped training people so now the country that invented the railway train has to buy them from anybody but a British manufacturer. And these same politicians are now trying to kill off the last jobs we do have by cutting us off from our major markets. Even arch brexiteer Mogg has opened an office in Dublin so his money juggling company can still have unrestricted access to the EU. Yes the same EU he wants us to leave because it is no good for business.

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    #432179

    John P
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    Pretty well spot on Bob but our inventive heritage goes right back to the 18th century with the steam engine, blast furnices, mass production of textiles, etc, etc, all destroyed over the years by generations of ignorant, arrogant, rich, know it all (know nothing politicians) How much longer does this crap system have to continue?

    Sadly I suspect until they have destroyed everything through their ignorance and greed. Maybe I shall not live long enough to witness that, that could be one advantage of being getting on in years ;-)

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