Home Forums General This made me laugh!

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  • #183686

    Liz
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    Saw this on an American Forum today and it made me laugh. I will apologise now if it offends and rem0ve it immediately.

    I took down my Rebel flag (which you can’t buy on EBAY any more) and peeled the NRA sticker off my front window.  I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the wimpy Neighborhood Watch.  I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of the front yard. Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you CAN Buy on EBAY) and ran it up the flag pole.

    Now the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service, and other agencies are all watching my house 24/7.  I’ve NEVER felt safer and I’m saving $69.95 a month that ADT used to charge me.

    Now I am safe at last.

    13+
    #183724

    Vegemite Kid
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    :yahoo:

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    #183750

    Anonymous
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    very good !   :yes:   :yes:

    2+
    #183764

    Guiscriff56
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    :yes: :yes: Liz, love it!

    2+
    #183776

    Gerry Hatrick
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    #183784

    Anonymous
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    Magic! :yahoo:

    2+
    #183792

    Blue velvet
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    Great Liz !

    2+
    #183809

    Stinky
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    Just brill.

    2+
    #183883

    Vegemite Kid
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    So none of us are easily offended!

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    #183935

    Anonymous
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    Well modded VK :yahoo:

    1+
    #184042

    Liz
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    Thanks folks….. :rose:

    1+
    #184083

    Anonymous
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    Can I join in?

    Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%..
    It’s called a Wedding Cake. :unsure:

    6+
    #184095

    Liz
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    The Train Ticket

    Three women and three men are travelling by train to the football game.

    At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the
    three women buy just one ticket.

    “How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?” asks
    one of the men.

    “Watch and learn,” answers one of the women.

    They all board the train.

    The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram
    into a toilet together and close the door.
    Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
    collecting tickets.
    He knocks on the toilet door and says, “Ticket, please.”The door
    opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.

    The conductor takes it and moves on.

    The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so,
    after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip
    and save some money.

    When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return
    trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don’t buy
    any ticket at all!!
    “How are you going to travel without a ticket?” asks one perplexed man.

    “Watch and learn,” answer the women.

    When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a
    toilet, and the three women cram into a toilet just down the way.
    Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her
    toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding.
    She knocks on their door and says, “Ticket please.”

    I’m still trying to figure out why men think they are smarter than
    women  :rose:

    5+
    #184100

    Anonymous
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    Both had a good laugh, thanks Liz :rose:

    0
    #184107

    Liz
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    Thanks Bill.  Sense of humour is vital in this life and I am the first to laugh at myself.  :good:

    3+
    #184113

    Anonymous
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    Women will never be equal to men…..until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

    7+
    #184143

    Liz
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    LOLOL @Bald Eagle   :rose:

    2+
    #184185

    Blue velvet
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    No chance! BE! 💅

    2+
    #184476

    Anonymous
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    Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?

    They went to see “Closed for the Winter.”

    3+
    #184628

    Liz
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    What Confucius did not say!

    CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY…

    Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

    Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

    Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

    Squirrel who runs up woman’s leg will not find nuts.

    Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

    Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

    Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

    War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

    Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

    It takes many nails to build a crib but only one screw to fill it.

    Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

    Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

    Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

    Man who fish in other man’s well often catch crabs.

    Finally CONFUCIUS DID SAY. . …

    “A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!”

    3+
    #184633

    Anonymous
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    Thanks liz, good start to the day :rose:

    1+
    #184986

    Anonymous
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    Like all of the above, laughter is good for the soul!  :yahoo:

    0
    #185015

    Anonymous
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    1. You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same time, a physical impossibility due to the tendons within your neck . (scroll down)

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    2. All idiots, after reading #1 will try it.

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    3. And discover #1 is a lie.

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    4. You are smiling now because you are an idiot.

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.

     

     

     

     

     

    6. There is still a stupid smile on your face .

    2+
    #185041

    Blue velvet
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    Yes BE guilty as charged!!   he he

    1+
    #185055

    Gerry Hatrick
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    Same here :whistle:   :whistle:

    1+
    #185062

    Liz
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    Et moi. The basis of appreciating any humour is being able to laugh at yourself. :yahoo:

    2+
    #185143

    Anonymous
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    I like this sort of thread. Light hearted and no moaning.

    3+
    #185552

    Liz
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    Subject: Smile of the day

    A preacher was delivering a rousing sermon about the evils of drink and how so many lives are ruined by alcohol. As he built to his finish, he shouted, “I wish I could take all the beer in the world and dump it into the river!” “Then,” he continued, “I’d dump all the wine in the world into the river, as well!” “Finally,” he said,” I’d toss all the liquor in the world right into the river, too!” Shortly, thereafter, he ended his sermon and turned to the choir director for the next hymn. Not missing a beat, the choir director said, “Please stand and turn to number 278 in your hymn books, “Shall We Gather At The River?”

    3+
    #185562

    Anonymous
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    Thanks again Liz :good:

    2+
    #185758

    Anonymous
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    An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and
    bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site.

    Medic: “It’s OK I’m a paramedic and I’m going to ask you some
    questions?”

    Girl: “OK”

    Medic: “What’s your name?”

    Girl: “Sharon.”

    Medic: “OK Sharon, is this your car?”

    Sharon: “Yes.”

    Medic: “Where are you bleeding from?”

    Sharon: “Romford, mate.”

    2+
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