Home Forums General This made me laugh!

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  • #185791

    tigre
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    For some reason I haven’t looked at this thread since giving a like to Liz’s op, that’s brightened up my day. :good:

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    #185805

    Anonymous
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    And mine t :-)

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    #185827

    Liz
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    Its all about having a laugh. Thanks folks. :rose:

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    #185832

    Vegemite Kid
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    A man walks into a bar. Ouch!

    5+
    #185849

    Gerry Hatrick
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    What’s made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?

    Trombones

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    #185873

    Gerry Hatrick
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    A pair of jumper cables walk into a bar

    The barman says,

    “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything”

    4+
    #185889

    Liz
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    The old ones are the best Gerry and VK…….LOLOLOLOL

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    #185896

    Liz
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    Divorce

    The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law, Johnny in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

    “What happened Johnny?” she asks anxiously.

    “What happened? I’ll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home … and guess what I found? Your daughter, my wife, Jean, naked with Joe from down the road in our marital bed! This is unforgivable! The end of our marriage. I’m done. I’m leaving forever!” ;

    “Ah now, calm down, calm down Johnny!” says his mother-in-law.

    “There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I’ll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened.”

    Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
    “There son, I told you it must be a simple explanation………….She never got your email!”

    Last joke from me………..today!  :yahoo:

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    #185901

    tigre
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    I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying!

    5+
    #185940

    Gerry Hatrick
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    Why doesn’t Santa have any kids?

    Because he only comes once a year and when he does it’s down the chimney! :whistle:

    4+
    #186463

    Liz
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    A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.  As the bartender gives her the drink she says,
    ‘I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today..’
    The bartender says, ‘Well, since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink.  In fact, this one is on me.’
    As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, ‘I would like to buy you a drink, too.’
    The old woman says: ‘Thank you.
    Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.’
    ‘Coming up,’ says the bartender.
    As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says: ‘I would like to buy you one, too.’
    The old woman says: ‘Thank you. Bartender, I want another
    Scotch with two drops of water.’ ‘Coming right up’ the bartender says.
    As he gives her the drink, he says: ‘Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?’

    The old woman replies: ‘Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.’

    3+
    #186478

    Anonymous
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    Why do women have smaller feet than men?

    It’s one of those ‘evolutionary things’ that allows them to stand closer
    to the kitchen sink.

    Exit stage left!

    2+
    #186490

    Liz
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    ‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
    Your friends compliment you  on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot..
    ‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
    A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy  and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
    ‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
    Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
    ‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
    You don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.
    ‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
    You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police
    ‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
    ‘Getting a little action’
    means you don’t need to take any fiber today.
    ‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
    ‘Getting lucky’ means you find your car in the parking lot.
    ‘OLD’IS WHEN…
    An ‘all-nighter’ means not getting up to use the bathroom.

    AND

    ‘OLD’ IS WHEN….
    You are not sure these are jokes?

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    #186495

    Anonymous
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    ‘Nother good start to the day, Thanks Folks :good:

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    #186929

    Anonymous
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    Hell of a name for a ship full of sailors !!!!

    3+
    #186961

    Anonymous
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    2+
    #187886

    Liz
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    “Lexophile” is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as “you can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish”, or “to write with a broken pencil is pointless.”

    Subject: LEXOPHILIA

    •       Venison for dinner again?   Oh deer!

    •       How does Moses make tea?   Hebrews it.

    •       England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

    •       I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

    •       They told me I had Type-A blood, but it was a Typo.

    •       I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic.  It’s syncing now.

    •       Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

    •       I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

    •       I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

    •       This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club,  but I’d never met herbivore.

    •       When chemists die, they barium.

    •       I’m reading a book about anti-gravity.  I just can’t put it down.

    •       I did a theatrical performance about puns.  It was a play on words.

    •       Why were the Indians here first?  They had reservations.

    •       I didn’t like my beard at first.  Then it grew on me.

    •       Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job
    because she couldn’t control her pupils?

    •       When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

    •       Broken pencils are pointless.

    •       What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?  A thesaurus.

    •       I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

    •       I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

    •       Velcro – what a rip off!

    •       Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.

    6+
    #188155

    Anonymous
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    #188169

    Anonymous
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    Q: What is the Guillotine?

    A: A French chopping centre.

     

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    #188223

    Anonymous
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    The British may be better cyclists than the French (at least for now) but their love-making skills leave a little to be desired in the eyes of the French as this joke suggests: “A British married couple are in the sitting room. The wife knits while her husband reads The Times. ‘My dear?’ ‘Yes, my dearest?’ ‘Do we have sexual relations?’ ‘Yes we do my dearest!’ They continue knitting and reading for several hours. Finally, the woman says: ‘We should invite them round more often!'”

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    #188755

    tigre
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    Our daughter was born with jaundice, she was gorgeous, small and round, so we called her Melony.

    5+
    #188781

    Liz
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    Somehow, after reading the records of Tech Support, I don’t feel as if I failed Computer 101….sorry if i have posted this in the past! :good:

    Tech support:   What kind of computer do you have?
    Customer:         A white one…
    Tech support:   Click on the ‘my computer’ icon on the left of the screen.
    Customer:         Your left or my left?

    ************************
    Customer:   Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha. I can’t print. Every time I try, it says ‘can’t find printer’.
    I’ve even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says it can’t find it..

    *************************

    Customer:        My keyboard  is not working anymore.
    Tech support:   Are you sure it’s plugged into the computer?
    Customer:         No. I can’t get behind the computer.
    Tech support:   Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
    Customer:          OK
    Tech support:   Did the keyboard come with you?
    Customer:          Yes
    Tech support:  That means the keyboard  is not plugged in.

    *************************
    Customer:           I can’t get on the Internet.
    Tech support:     Are you sure you used the right password?
    Customer:           Yes, I’m sure. I saw my colleague do it.
    Tech  support:   Can you tell me what the password was?
    Customer:          Five dots.

    *************************
    Tech  support:  What anti-virus program do you use?
    Customer:         Netscape.
    Tech support:   That’s not an anti-virus program.
    Customer:         Oh, sorry… Internet Explorer..

    *************************
    Tech support:    How may I help you?
    Customer:          I’m writing my first email.
    Tech support:   OK, and what seems to be the problem?
    Customer:         Well, I have the letter ‘a’ in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it?

    *************************
    This one and the next    are our personal favorites!

    A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
    Tech support:  Are you running it under windows?
    Customer:  ‘No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point.
    The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.’

    ************************
    And last but   not least!

    Tech  support:   ‘Okay Bob, let’s  press the control and escape keys at the same time.
    That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.  Now type the letter ‘P’ to bring up the Program Manager.’
    Customer:         I don’t have a P.
    Tech  support:  On your keyboard, Bob.
    Customer:         What do you mean?
    Tech support:  ‘P’…..on your  keyboard, Bob.
    Customer:  I’M NOT GOING TO DO THAT

     

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    #188802

    Anonymous
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    #188833

    Vegemite Kid
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    Cows, Geopolitics, and Big Business
    Confused about the difference between socialism, Communism, and the politics of huge corporations? This basic “dictionary” may help.

    Feudalism: You have two cows. The lord of the manor takes some of the milk. And all the cream.

    Pure Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

    Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes one of your cows and gives it to your neighbor. You’re both forced to join a cooperative where you have to teach your neighbor how to take care of his cow.

    Bureaucratic Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as its regulations say you should need.

    Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

    Pure Communism: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

    Russian Communism: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

    Communism: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for your share of the milk, but it’s so long that the milk is sour by the time you get it.

    Dictatorship: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

    Militarism: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

    Pure Democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

    Representative Democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

    American Democracy: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair “Cowgate.” The cows are set free.

    Democracy, Democrat-style: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being so successful. You vote politicians into office who tax your cows, which forces you to sell one to pay the tax. The politicians use the tax money to buy a cow for your neighbor. You feel good. Barbra Streisand sings for you.

    Democracy, Republican-style: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You move to a better neighborhood.

    Indian Democracy: You have two cows. You worship them.

    British Democracy: You have two cows. You feed them sheep brains and they go mad. The government gives you compensation for your diseased cows, compensation for your lost income, and a grant not to use your fields for anything else. And tells the public not to worry.

    Bureaucracy: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

    Anarchy: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.

    Capitalism: You have two cows. You lay one off, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when she drops dead.

    Singaporean Democracy: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

    Hong Kong Capitalism (alias Enron Capitalism): You have two cows.  You sell three of them to your publicly-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute an debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows.  The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Isands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows’ milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the Feng Shui is bad.

    Environmentalism: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.

    Totalitarianism: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

    Foreign Policy, American-Style: You have two cows. The government taxes them and uses the money to buy a cow for a poor farmer in a country ruled by a dictator. The farmer has no hay to feed the cow and his religion forbids him from eating it. The cow dies. The man dies. The dictator confiscates the dead man’s farm and sells it, using the money to purchase US military equipment. The President declares the program a success and announces closer ties with our new ally.

    Bureaucracy, American-Style: You have two cows but you have to kill one of them because the government will only give you a license for one of them. The license requires you to sell all your milk to the government, which uses it to make cheese. The government pays lots of money to store the cheese in refrigerated warehouses. When the cheese spoils, the government distributes it to the poor. The poor get sick from the cheese, go to the emergency room, and are turned away because they have no health insurance. The President declares the program a success and reminds us that we have the finest health care system in the world.

    American Corporation: You have two cows. You sell one to a subsidiary company and lease it back to yourself so you can declare it as a tax loss. Your bosses give you a huge bonus. You inject the cows with drugs and they produce four times the normal amount of milk. Your bosses give you a huge bonus. When the drugs cause one of the cows to drop dead you announce to the press that you have down-sized, reducing expenses by 50 percent. The company stock goes up and your bosses give you a huge bonus. You lay off all your workers and move your production facilities to Mexico. You get a huge bonus. You contribute some of your profit to the President’s re-election campaign. The President announces tax cuts for corporations in order to stimulate the economy.

    Japanese Corporation: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You teach the cows to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Your cows always get higher test scores than cows in the U.S. or Europe, but they drink a lot of saké.

    German Corporation: You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year and are very expensive to repair.

    Russian Corporation: You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count your cows and discover you really have five cows! You have more vodka. You count them again and discover you have 42 cows! You stop counting cows and have some more vodka. The Russian Mafia arrives and takes over all your cows. You have more vodka.

    Italian Corporation: You have two cows but you can’t find them. While searching for them you meet a beautiful woman, take her out to lunch and then make love to her. Life is good.

    French Corporation: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want another cow, more vacation and shorter work weeks. The French government announces that it will never agree to your demands. You go to lunch and eat fabulous food and drink wonderful wine. While you are at lunch, the airline pilots and flight controllers join your strike, shutting down all air traffic. The truckers block all the roads and the dock workers block all the ports. By dinner time the French government announces it agrees with all your demands. Life is good.

    Political Correctness: You are associated with (the concept of “ownership” is an outdated symbol of your decadent, warmongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender. They get married and adopt a calf.

    Counterculturalism: Wow, dude, there’s like . . . these two cows, man. You have got to have some of this milk.

    Surrealism: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

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    #188960

    Anonymous
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    Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don’t have eyes.

    3+
    #189025

    Anonymous
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    What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down?
    It gets toad away.

    1+
    #189040

    Anonymous
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    A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

    4+
    #189081

    Anonymous
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    Wish I could like that more than once Babeth!!! :yahoo:

    3+
    #189089

    Anonymous
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    Thank you BE !

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    #189096

    Anonymous
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    Imagine what a life I have BE, younger (French) Woman, it’s not easy :heart:

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