Home Forums General This made me laugh!

This topic contains 535 replies, has 39 voices, and was last updated by  Dom 2 days, 18 hours ago.

Viewing 30 posts - 61 through 90 (of 536 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #189103

    Anonymous
    • Topics: 21
    • Replies: 1498
    • Contributions: 1519
    • Mega Star
    • ★★★★★★★★

    Member since
    1st January 1970

    Younger, but not far from onions :cry:

    0
    #189117

    Anonymous
    • Topics: 251
    • Replies: 7753
    • Contributions: 8004
    • Mega Star
    • ★★★★★★★★

    Member since
    1st January 1970

    :heart:They will always be a melons to me :-)

    0
    #189430

    Anonymous
    • Topics: 130
    • Replies: 4104
    • Contributions: 4234
    • Mega Star
    • ★★★★★★★★

    Member since
    1st January 1970

    Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place.

    First guy:
    ‘You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend! I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend’

    Second guy:
    ‘That’s nothing, I had to promise my wife that I’d build her a new deck for the pool.’

    Third guy:
    ‘Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I’d remodel the kitchen for her.’

    They continue to fish. When they realized that BE hasn’t said a word, they asked him. ‘You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What’s the deal?’

    BE smirked and said: “I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave Anne a slap on her butt and said: “Fishing or Sex?”

    She said: “Wear sun-block.”

    :whistle:

    4+
    #189499

    Blue velvet
    Participant
    • Topics: 218
    • Replies: 16311
    • Contributions: 16529
    • Mega Star
    • ★★★★★★★★

    Member since
    19th March 2016

    Then again BE that could have gone a different course , and you would have missed the fishing  :yahoo:

    3+
    #189648

    Anonymous
    • Topics: 130
    • Replies: 4104
    • Contributions: 4234
    • Mega Star
    • ★★★★★★★★

    Member since
    1st January 1970

    Actually, it did! I finished up French polishing a desk. Learnt at my FATHER’S knee! :yahoo:

    0
    #190040

    Anonymous
    • Topics: 21
    • Replies: 1498
    • Contributions: 1519
    • Mega Star
    • ★★★★★★★★

    Member since
    1st January 1970

    2+
    #190064

    Anonymous
    • Topics: 21
    • Replies: 1498
    • Contributions: 1519
    • Mega Star
    • ★★★★★★★★

    Member since
    1st January 1970

    I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.

    5+
    #190724

    Liz
    Participant
    • Topics: 121
    • Replies: 1781
    • Contributions: 1902
    • Mega Star
    • ★★★★★★★★

    Member since
    1st April 2016

    A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light.
    The driver is a real bastard, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer,
    demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

    So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation.
    The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer’s ancestry, sexual orientation, etc   in rather explicit offensive terms.

    The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

    When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an “AH” in the lower right corner of the
    narrative portion of the ticket.
    He then hands it to  the ‘violator’ for his signature.
    The bloke signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the “AH” and
    demands to know what it stands for.

    The officer says,
    “That’s so when we go to court, I’ll remember that you’re an Arse Hole!”

    Two months later they’re in court. The ‘violator’ has a bad driving record with a high number
    of points and is in danger of losing his licence, so he hired a big gun lawyer to represent him.

    On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.

    Under cross examination the defence attorney asks; “Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?”

    Officer responds, “Yes, sir, that is the defendant’s copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top.”

    Lawyer: “Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don’t  normally make?”

    “Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an “AH” underlined.”

    “What does the “AH” stand for, officer?”

    “Aggressive and Hostile, Sir.”

    “Aggressive and Hostile?”

    “Yes, Sir.

    “Officer, are you sure it doesn’t stand for Arse Hole?”

    Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.

    How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client!!!

    4+
    #190732

    Liz
    Participant
    • Topics: 121
    • Replies: 1781
    • Contributions: 1902
    • Mega Star
    • ★★★★★★★★

    Member since
    1st April 2016

    ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY “THOMAS COOK VACATIONS”   FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:

    1. “I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts.”

    2. “It’s lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the afternoons.  I often needed to buy things during ‘siesta’ time — this should be banned.”

    3. “On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don’t like spicy food.”

    4. “We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price.”

    5. “The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room.”

    6. “We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow.”

    7. “They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax.”

    8. “No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared.”

    9. “Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers.”

    10. “We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish.”

    11. “The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun.”

    12. “It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair.”

    13. “I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends’ three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller.”

    14. “The brochure stated: ‘No hairdressers at the resort.’  We’re trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service.” (In other words: this is rank discrimination against hairdressers!)

    15. “When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners.”

    16. “We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning.”

    17. “It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel.”

    18. “I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes.”

    19. “My fiancee and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.”
    BEWARE – THEY WALK AMONG US and THEY VOTE! and they REPRODUCE!

    4+
    #190741

    Blue velvet
    Participant
    • Topics: 218
    • Replies: 16311
    • Contributions: 16529
    • Mega Star
    • ★★★★★★★★

    Member since
    19th March 2016

    Fancy finding only currey in restaurants in Goa, perhaps they thought they were only in Birmingham!

    Spanish people in Spain, that’s amazing! Very funny Liz, in fact  unbelievable!

    2+
    #190829

    Anonymous
    • Topics: 21
    • Replies: 1498
    • Contributions: 1519
    • Mega Star
    • ★★★★★★★★

    Member since
    1st January 1970

    A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely. “Once a week?” A third of 
the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant. “Once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up. Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?”

    One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands. The therapist is shocked—this disproves his theory. “If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?”

    The man yells, “Today’s the day!”

    :yahoo:

    3+
    #190979

    Anonymous
    • Topics: 4
    • Replies: 134
    • Contributions: 138
    • Scout
    • ★★★

    Member since
    1st January 1970

    @babeth Whilst dining with a a French friend of mine I used the expression ‘bon appetit’ before the meal. Knowing I was keen to learn as much about the French language as possible he said to me that although ‘bon appetit’ was an expression used by many French and non French people around the world, he suggested I used the expression ‘bon repas’, as this was a more familiar greeting amongst French friends and families.

    Always happy to learn, so will see how this is received the next time I am sharing a meal with French friends.

    1+
    #191020

    Stinky
    Participant
    • Topics: 101
    • Replies: 5487
    • Contributions: 5588
    • Mega Star
    • ★★★★★★★★

    Member since
    20th March 2016

    Got a little drunk last night and accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.
    I fear my next crap might spell disaster.

    6+
    #191069

    Anonymous
    • Topics: 21
    • Replies: 1498
    • Contributions: 1519
    • Mega Star
    • ★★★★★★★★

    Member since
    1st January 1970

    @Keyahnu, I suppose it depends on which area you are living. I would use “bon repas” while eating or at the end of a meal (it would mean it’s or it was a good meal). From where I am, or been living, (Champagne, Paris, Normandy, Brittany) we will always use “bon appetit” to start a meal. I suppose it can be different elsewhere in France.

    0
    #191140

    Anonymous
    • Topics: 251
    • Replies: 7753
    • Contributions: 8004
    • Mega Star
    • ★★★★★★★★

    Member since
    1st January 1970

    Could be painful too S :yahoo:

    Not too painful though Mate :rose:

    0
    #191164

    Anonymous
    • Topics: 130
    • Replies: 4104
    • Contributions: 4234
    • Mega Star
    • ★★★★★★★★

    Member since
    1st January 1970

    I can count up to ten in French!

    Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq, six, sept, hui…..hui…..hui             I can’t do it I’ve got a wheat allergy!

    4+
    #191439

    Anonymous
    • Topics: 4
    • Replies: 134
    • Contributions: 138
    • Scout
    • ★★★

    Member since
    1st January 1970

    #191459

    Vegemite Kid
    Moderator
    • Topics: 320
    • Replies: 6640
    • Contributions: 6960
    • Mega Star
    • ★★★★★★★★

    Member since
    18th March 2016

    Fixed the link, Keyahnu. But the expression is used more than it is not, though I’ve heard that one shouldn’t say “Merci” after someone wishes you “Bon appetit”, simply something like “Oui, à toi/vous aussi”. Babeth?

    0
    #191522

    Anonymous
    • Topics: 21
    • Replies: 1498
    • Contributions: 1519
    • Mega Star
    • ★★★★★★★★

    Member since
    1st January 1970

    Yes VK, the usual way will be :

    Bon appetit

    A : merci, vous (or toi) aussi

    or simply answer :

    Bon appetit

    I’ve looked at your link @Keryahnu, I can see the point, but people around me (friends, familly, collegues etc…) are using bon appetit (so do I), and it will be impolite to tell them they can’t say that because it’s rude ….

    I can’t think of any other expression right now, but I’m sure there is plenty of other nonsense, but It’s part of history, and we will have a hard job to rewrite french language, and chage our habits.

    What you can do, is waiting for them to say something, and simply answer “Merci, toi (or vous) aussi !”, or try your “Bon repas”.

    Tell us next time that you are invited what was the expression used, will be interesting :-)

     

    0
    #191881

    Anonymous
    • Topics: 4
    • Replies: 134
    • Contributions: 138
    • Scout
    • ★★★

    Member since
    1st January 1970

    I certainly wouldn’t advocate trying to tell a French person that he or she is incorrect in what they say, but it does seem like this could be a regional or cultural expression.  I know they do use ‘bon repas’ in the area where I live, and I would never dream of saying ‘merci’ in response, just ‘a toi aussi’.  I’ll let you know what happens when this arises again.   :-)

    0
    #192818

    Anonymous
    • Topics: 251
    • Replies: 7753
    • Contributions: 8004
    • Mega Star
    • ★★★★★★★★

    Member since
    1st January 1970

    8+
    #192962

    Anonymous
    • Topics: 130
    • Replies: 4104
    • Contributions: 4234
    • Mega Star
    • ★★★★★★★★

    Member since
    1st January 1970

    Just got it bill! What a dick!!!

    1+
    #192997

    Vegemite Kid
    Moderator
    • Topics: 320
    • Replies: 6640
    • Contributions: 6960
    • Mega Star
    • ★★★★★★★★

    Member since
    18th March 2016

    Looks like work’s finished!

    4+
    #193004

    tigre
    Participant
    • Topics: 36
    • Replies: 7497
    • Contributions: 7533
    • Mega Star
    • ★★★★★★★★

    Member since
    23rd April 2016

    I suppose they had quite a few women who could confirm he’d been circumcised.

    3+
    #193144

    Anonymous
    • Topics: 130
    • Replies: 4104
    • Contributions: 4234
    • Mega Star
    • ★★★★★★★★

    Member since
    1st January 1970

    HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, wine and dine her, buy gifts for her, listen to her, respect her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.

    HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN Arrive naked… with beer.

    3+
    #193175

    Anonymous
    • Topics: 251
    • Replies: 7753
    • Contributions: 8004
    • Mega Star
    • ★★★★★★★★

    Member since
    1st January 1970

    A Very Young one, make her cry, poetry ‘an stuff.

    A more mature, older Lady, make Her laugh :-)

    1+
    #193830

    Liz
    Participant
    • Topics: 121
    • Replies: 1781
    • Contributions: 1902
    • Mega Star
    • ★★★★★★★★

    Member since
    1st April 2016

    Mick, from  Dublin , appeared on ‘Who Wants To Be a Millionaire’ and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.
    “You’ve done very well so far,” said Chris Tarrant, the show’s presenter,  “but for a million euros you’ve only got one life-line left, phone a friend.
    Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?”
    “Sure,” said Mick. “I’ll have a go!”

    “Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?

    a)     Sparrow

    b)     Thrush,

    c)     Magpie,

    OR

    d)     Cuckoo?”

    “I haven’t got a clue.” said Mick,  ”So I’ll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in  Dublin  …”
    Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
    “Bloody hell, Mick!” cried Paddy, “Dat’s simple it’s a cuckoo.”
    “Are you sure?”
    “I’m sure.”

    Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, “I’ll go with cuckoo as my answer.”
    “Is that your final answer?” asked Chris.
    “Dat it is.”

    There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, “Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you’ve won 1 million euros!”

    The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

    “Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven’s name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn’t build its own nest?”

    “Because he lives in a Bloody clock!”

    6+
    #193838

    Anonymous
    • Topics: 251
    • Replies: 7753
    • Contributions: 8004
    • Mega Star
    • ★★★★★★★★

    Member since
    1st January 1970

    Liz, great, thanks :-)

    0
    #193865

    Blue velvet
    Participant
    • Topics: 218
    • Replies: 16311
    • Contributions: 16529
    • Mega Star
    • ★★★★★★★★

    Member since
    19th March 2016

    So he does!   :yahoo:

    0
    #194014

    Anonymous
    • Topics: 130
    • Replies: 4104
    • Contributions: 4234
    • Mega Star
    • ★★★★★★★★

    Member since
    1st January 1970

    A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam. ‘Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!’
    A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, ‘What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?’
    The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,
    ‘Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.’

    3+
Viewing 30 posts - 61 through 90 (of 536 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic.