Home Forums Uplifting News Well I found it uplifting!

This topic contains 27 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by  Anonymous 2 years, 4 months ago.

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  • #80498

    Anonymous
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    GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
    1) No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptise cats..
    2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
    3) If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.
    4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
    5) You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.
    6) Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair..
    7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
    8) You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
    9) Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
    10) The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandma’s lap.

    GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
    1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
    2) Wrinkles don’t hurt.
    3) Families are like fudge…mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
    4) Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.
    5) Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.
    6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

    GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
    1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
    2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
    3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
    4) You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
    5) It’s frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
    6) Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.
    7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

    THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
    1) You believe in Santa Claus.
    2) You don’t believe in Santa Claus.
    3) You are Santa Claus.
    4) You look like Santa Claus.

    SUCCESS:
    At age 4 success is . . . . Not piddling in your pants.
    At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.
    At age 17 success is . . Having a driver’s license.
    At age 35 success is . . . . Having money.
    At age 50 success is . . . Having money.
    At age 70 success is . .. . Having a driver’s license.
    At age 75 success is . … . Having friends.
    At age 80 success is . . .. Not piddling in your pants.

    Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way;
    BUT NEVER forget the blessings that come each day.

    Have a wonderful day with many smiles!

    :rose:

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    #80501

    Stinky
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    Like this muchly!!!!

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    #80504

    Blue velvet
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    Thank you Fruitcake, that caused a big smile 😀

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    #80518

    Anonymous
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    :good: Excellent  F :-)

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    #80531

    Gerry Hatrick
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    I especially like….

    2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

    and

    6) Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.

    :-)

     

     

     

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    #80545

    tigre
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    Plenty of truths there, very good. :good:

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    #80843

    Blue velvet
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    When I saw the title, I thought Fruitcake was talking about certain female undergarments!     :yahoo:

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    #80925

    Anonymous
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    :yahoo:

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    #80947

    Vegemite Kid
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    Not so uplifting, but useful advice.

    How to give a cat a pill:

    1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

    2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

    3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

    4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

    5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

    6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

    7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

    8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil, and blow down drinking straw.

    9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

    10. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

    11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

    12. Call fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

    13. Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of rump steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

    14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to Casualty, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

    15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

    How to give a dog a pill:

    Wrap it in cheese.

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    #80951

    Anonymous
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    V :good:

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    #80957

    Stinky
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    Absolutely brilliant VK. Had a cat a couple of years ago, who although named Pandora, was, in fact a Homicidal Psycho Jungle Cat in disguise. Have been through much of the above!

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    #80987

    Gerry Hatrick
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    Very good VK :yahoo:   Thought you may like this :whistle:   ;-)

     

     

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    #81020

    Vegemite Kid
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    Worth watching, Gerry, I agree.

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    #81023

    tigre
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    Enjoyed them both, thanks VK & Gerry.

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    #81051

    Gerry Hatrick
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    Jan, VK posted the cat video a while back, I was just being naughty B-)

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    #81059

    tigre
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    Brain not in gear today, ( no change there then, I here you say) so I’ll start again. Thanks Gerry for resurrecting ‘The cat came back’ I enjoyed it. You, naughty, never! :whistle:

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    #81083

    tigre
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    * hear you say! :wacko:

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    #81265

    Blue velvet
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    Tigre he is very naughty, are you going soft?  :yahoo:

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    #81280

    Anonymous
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    T, going soft :scratch:   can’t imagine that ;-)

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    #81303

    Anonymous
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    Seen that about the cat taking the pill before VK made me laugh then, made me laugh again now! :yes:

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    #81587

    tigre
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    Blue, you’re right, I let my guard down, Gerry is very naughty and probably always will be.  Bill, I  am a softie really, honestly!!

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    #81671

    Anonymous
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    Honestly, :scratch:

    :-)

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    #81681

    tigre
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    Yes, honestly, Bill.

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    #81692

    Blue velvet
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    We all have a soft side  :yahoo:

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    #81701

    Anonymous
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    Very suspitious when Ladies tell me that, so worried, can’t even spell it!!! :-(

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    #81707

    tigre
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    You’re becoming paranoid Bill, why would we ladies lie to you men?

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    #81710

    Blue velvet
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    Perish the thought tigre ! Whatever next?  :whistle:

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    #81742

    Anonymous
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    :unsure: simple soul, me :-)

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